No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
