how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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