so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
