I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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