who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
