Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
