God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
