i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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