Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
