Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
