Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
