Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
