I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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