I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
