Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
