apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
