so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Randomize
