My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The uberlube is also flammable
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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