I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
