I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
