You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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