you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
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