Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
