in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
