Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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