And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
50% drunk capacity currently
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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