Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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