Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
