Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
