I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
