I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
