I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
