Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
