If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
