mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
