There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Randomize
