Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
