Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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