My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
