I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
