Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
