This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
