and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
