why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
