you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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