Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
