Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
