she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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