david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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