She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
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